eiwa
chapitre 18. mais pour qui nous empêchons nous de vivre ? (anorexia recovery)
Since my first hospitalization 3 years ago, I’ve been stuck in Quasi-recovery. And it was neither better nor worst than living with anorexia when at was at the rock bottom.
Quasi-recovery is not having the best of both worlds, but the worst. Meaning you are experiencing the consequences of recovery : physical changes, anxiety, doubts, while still being under the control of the ED voice. To me personally it meant still thinking about calories, only eating safe foods, exercising excessively, eating as a reward or under certain circumstances, etc..
As a result, I’ve never been happy again and even experienced my worst nightmares under depression.
That’s why I came back home yesterday. I committed to full recovery about 4 weeks ago but I was waiting for some guidelines, which was still the ED voice. I ended up at the hospital because everything depended on this voice. The evil and painful voice.
And there, I experienced when of the most revelation about the last 10 years of my life.
Why did I keep living for others ? Why should I continue to change my body for others ? Who are they ? What is my own and unique worth ? Why did I waste so much time ? Why should I continue tomorrow ?
Suddenly, all the rules in my head, the hundreds of behaviors I’ve got because of my ED, didn’t make any sense anymore.
After such a deep and life changing event, unfortunately the clinic wasn’t adapted anymore and couldn’t give me food freedom, in fact, it was quite restrictive. And what happened ? I became terrified of restricting again and giving more validity to the voice inside my head.
So I decided to leave by myself, and I believe I could get further if I continue at home.
So here I am, home, protected but also terrified. And I’m ready to quite queasy recovery. To go to the restaurant with my family. To rest when exercise becomes more of a burden. To heal my body. My bones, my menstrual cycle, to embody the woman I am by giving my body the space it needs.
I want to trust the process.
I’m sure, no matter how difficult it will be, I will never regret quitting this state of my life which is absolutely not joyful or pleasant. I’m ready to push further and see what’s lying ahead. Eating disorder is horrible but we would rather live with it than facing recovery and our nightmares. But truly happiness is the finish line. I know it from the bottom of my heart. And I’m gonna enjoy it
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